Suffocated

When you were a kid, or if you are still a kid, did you ever try to breathe underwater?  Just sitting on the pool floor and trying to become a mermaid so you can breathe longer than all your friends.  That’s how I feel now.  Like I am breathing underwater and I can’t get my head up.  I can’t experience oxygen.  All because of the secret I carry on my shoulders.

I am gay, as I stated a couple posts back.  But only friends that I feel like I trust no that.  The other kids at school don’t know.  My own family doesn’t know, and every time I try to speak out I’m either too nervous or they go on to something else that wouldn’t be the right place.  Not the right moment.  It seems like in everything, timing is crucial. 

So, I walk around school, carrying a boulder on my back, trying to be the perfect All-American boy that everyone wants me to be.  But, I tried that for SO long.  I tried to be the boy who was turned on by boobs, loved sports and had a whole bunch of guy friends.  To me, the only friends I could make were girls.  To me, they are easier to talk to and understand.  I have guy friends, yet they were harder to make. 

I have wanted to come out on Facebook for a LONG time, but I am petrified.  Petrified that I will be tormented. I third and fourth grade, I was bullied to the point of contemplating taking the knife in my kitchen drawer and end it all.  I didn’t, obviously.  I get bullied now.  Just yesterday, some a**hole said that I need to change everything about myself so people wouldn’t get the “wrong idea.”  I just don’t know if I can face that every day.  I live in a very Republican, conservative area.  I am scared to do either thing.  If I speak, I could face the torment I was received, but worse.  If I stay quiet, I will lose my mind. 

I will continue to suffocate.

I don’t know what I am going to know, let you guys know soon.

Love,Levi

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2 thoughts on “Suffocated

  1. Levi, I “liked” your post only because I wanted to show some support for you, my young friend. I don’t know where you live, but you’re only a toll-free phone call away from having some really nice, supportive, helpful people to talk to at The Trevor Project. You’ve probably heard of them? I’m just going to cut ‘n paste their contact info here, for you — and for anyone else who sees this and needs someone to talk to.

    “If you are thinking about suicide or are feeling alone and need someone to talk to, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 for immediate help. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7.” They also have text and chat support. The website is http://www.thetrevorproject.org.

    You might also want to go to PFLAG.org. Have you heard of PFLAG? It stands for Parents, Friends & Families and Lesbian & Gay (& Bi & Trans) people. They have 350 local chapters all over the country. You might be surprised to find one not too far from where you live. Maybe one of your friends could go with you to a meeting. Guess what? I will GUARANTEE that going to visit the folks at any PFLAG meeting will change your life! It’s like a warm hug. I did it when I was your age. That was a while ago, but I still remember it. Sitting in the parking lot, being afraid to go inside. And then, not wanting to leave.

    You are obviously a good person, and a strong person. The one thing you need is a slightly different perspective on your life. That’s a tough thing for any of us to get. But if the great people at Trevor or PFLAG can help you see your way through these tough times… well, the sky’s the limit. You’ve probably seen some of the “It Gets Better” videos, right? (If not, find them on YouTube.) Those aren’t pie-in-the-sky messages, they are the truth! It DOES get better. So much better, you can’t even imagine it right now. But hang in there. And reach out to those good close friends you have, and to others if you need to. I’m following the comments from here, so you can always message me here if you want to.

    I’m rooting for you, kiddo.
    Steve

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