When you were a kid, or if you are still a kid, did you ever try to breathe underwater? Just sitting on the pool floor and trying to become a mermaid so you can breathe longer than all your friends. That’s how I feel now. Like I am breathing underwater and I can’t get my head up. I can’t experience oxygen. All because of the secret I carry on my shoulders.
I am gay, as I stated a couple posts back. But only friends that I feel like I trust no that. The other kids at school don’t know. My own family doesn’t know, and every time I try to speak out I’m either too nervous or they go on to something else that wouldn’t be the right place. Not the right moment. It seems like in everything, timing is crucial.
So, I walk around school, carrying a boulder on my back, trying to be the perfect All-American boy that everyone wants me to be. But, I tried that for SO long. I tried to be the boy who was turned on by boobs, loved sports and had a whole bunch of guy friends. To me, the only friends I could make were girls. To me, they are easier to talk to and understand. I have guy friends, yet they were harder to make.
I have wanted to come out on Facebook for a LONG time, but I am petrified. Petrified that I will be tormented. I third and fourth grade, I was bullied to the point of contemplating taking the knife in my kitchen drawer and end it all. I didn’t, obviously. I get bullied now. Just yesterday, some a**hole said that I need to change everything about myself so people wouldn’t get the “wrong idea.” I just don’t know if I can face that every day. I live in a very Republican, conservative area. I am scared to do either thing. If I speak, I could face the torment I was received, but worse. If I stay quiet, I will lose my mind.
I will continue to suffocate.
I don’t know what I am going to know, let you guys know soon.